worldclassliving1

“Hey, Louie, what’s with the disguise?”  “Benny, Thelma and I are off swimming over to Europe.  There a high-brow soiree going on.  Mostly intellectuals is what I’ve heard”.  “Say, if it’s so exclusive, how come they let in shark practioners?  Ha, ha.  Louie, it’ a joke, lighten up will you?  So, again, what’s with the disguise?”  “Well, the way I see it is that if I can get in with this longish hair wig, and goatee, I’ll easily blend in with the guests”.  “You mean you’re not invited?”  “Nope, just Thelma”.  “But, Louie, then you’re nothing but a party crasher, you know that don’t you?”  “Not if I’m with Thelma.  She’s invited.  She received her PhD. in Integrated Human Dynamics last year.  It’s the fringe approach to sea creature behavior modification.  She’s making a speech and all of that prior to the party starting.  She’s currently in demand on the circuit”.   “Ok, Ok, but where do you fit in?”  “I’m her escort”.  “A shark giggolo?  That’s your disguise?”  “Yes, and I’ll be networking that crowd like crazy.  They’re all loaded.  Heck, none of them would ever even give me the time of underwater day if I just met them off the reefs”.   “Louie, do you hear what you’re saying?  You’re using Thelma for your own career’s advancement.  You ought to be ashamed of yourself”.  “Say, Benny, Thelma’s a hot, young sharkie.  She could have her pick of sharks but she chose me.  Look, she’s a trophy shark, understand?  I could have hundreds of them if I wanted.  It’s the lure of my profession.  I am a well-known shark practioner.  I have fans, you know”.  “Louie, those are creatures from whom you’ve bit off pieces numerous times with your crazy courtroom antics.  They’re not fans, they’re buzz saws turning on you just waiting to cut”.  “Hey, I’ve got thick skin so let them come at me.  Any publicity is good publicity.  Right?  That’s the name of the game”.  “So, does Thelma enjoy being manipulated like this?  She not your average bubble-headed beach shark.  She’s got a brain and still nuturing that streamlined speed look.  Does she work out?”  “Back off, buddy boy, I saw her first.  Besides, she loves the attention I give her.  Oh, here she comes.  Hi ! sweet fins, how’s it undulating?  Say, have you gained weight?”

Listening to shark practioners is like swimming through seaweed.  The more you grope to swim out of reach, the more entangled you get.  Staying away from sharks is not complicated.  Don’t feed them and they won’t follow you home.

“Benny, I’m glad I caught up with you today”.  “Well, if it isn’t Louie di’ Sharko, the most selfish practioner and all around sharkhole”.  “Who you calling a shellfish?”  “Spare me, OK?”  “Benny, you still live down by the old neighborhood, by that muddy bottom, don’t you?  Where those nurse and lesser known shark-types live?”  “Gee, when you put it that way…”  “I want to land a prospect down there”.  “Louie, to what depths won’t you go?”  “Hel-loh, the young shark that won the lottery?  He’s wealthier than Neptune now and he lives there.  You haven’t sensed the electromagnetic fields all a-buzz?”  “No, my sonar’s been acting up”.  “He’s got millions”  “So?”   “So last month Thelma and I swam in a stretch off Nassau Bay.  She fell in love with it.  All the big sharks own territories there, but this one, oh, this one has that look and feel.  It’s teeming with food stuff.  I told her I’d get us in there”.  ”What does this have to do with me?”  “You live next to the area where this kid lives.  Well, the sharks at the club would laugh me out of extinction if I went swimming around there.  That kid needs my expertise.  Get close and convince him to sign up with me.  I’ll throw you a bony fish or something in the bargain”.  “Say, that sounds good.  Let me get this straight.  I solicit for you, convince a barely legal age shark to sign up with you, maybe I get a bone or something, and you make a fortune in fees.  Is that it?”  “You got it!”  “Isn’t this unethical?  Even you have to see it that way, don’t you?”  “Hey, it’s not barratry, Benny”.  “Oh, sorry, I thought unethical meant unethical”.

“Hey, Louie, what’s with the fake mustache and beard?”  “I’m trying out this new hypothesis that shark practioners can successfully lead double lives”.  “Huh?”  “Yeah, you know, a real lion in the oceanic courtrooms, but a sweetheart outside those four walls”.  “You think wearing a mustache and beard makes you look like a sweetheart, is that it?”  “Well, all the big name stars are doing.  Take Dolfino Phoenix, or Crustaceous Crowe, or Barracuda Pitt, and remember Stingray Depp?  Totally cool, those creatures.  They are loved by their fans”.  “Louie, you don’t have fans, you have customers from whom you bite off your compensation.  That doesn’t make for friendly publicity for your type”.  “My type?  Hey, Benny, I’m a shark and a darn good shark practioner at that.  I live for the hunt and make my kills whenever and wherever I like”.  “So, why are you so adamant about the personality shift when you’re outside the ocean courtrooms?  What’s so important to you?”  “Look, if you must know I kind of had a bad experience last month.  I came out of a case with a big settlement.  I was even smelling blood where there wasn’t any.  I accidentally bit off this huge chunk from a manta ray.  You know that group, they have this advocacy thing about ‘dwindling species’ and that kind of baloney.  I was just overexuberant for having won my case and I acted out of impulse.  Well, this advocacy group just raked me over the shoals.  They demanded my sandpaper hide, all sorts of concessions were outlined, man, it seems a shark practioner can’t get a break nowadays”.  “Louie, you bit an innocent by-swimmer?  The manta ray was just gliding past and you wheeled off and bit a chunk off of it?  Why would you give in to such an impulse particularly after having just royally feasted on your opponent?”  “Benny, you’ve got to understand.  I’m a shark practioner with privileges that you only dream of my friend.  I can come and go as I please, swim for thousands of miles, and not one sea creature gets in my way.  It’s the power that inebriates me and that’s what happened that day.  Besides, I explained that to the commission and the shark bar and they understood.  As a matter of fact, get this, they fined the manta ray for swimming in private waters!”  “You look  very stupid in that disguise.  Try to save what little dignity you might have and remove it.  You’ll like yourself better”.  “Who cares about liking themselves?  I’m now using this to pick up females.  They love the profile, you know, ‘bad shark with-a-tender-heart-trying-to-fit-in’ but can’t because no one understands them”.  “So you playing everyone, is that it?”  “It’s a hoot.  Talk to you later”.  “Louie, you’re still the biggest sharkhole in the ocean!!!”

The next time you see someone with a mustache and beard and start to judge them, don’t judge so harshly.  It could be your friendly neighborhood shark practioner trying to fit in with society.    

“Benny, since when do you use contact lenses?” asked Louie.  “I started back about a couple of months ago after I was attacked by those barracudas.  Do you remember the incident?”  “Yeah, sure, sure”.  “I can’t believe the nerve of those fish coming after me.  I was with my family, we’ve just finished a cruise down by the coral reefs, had a light lunch of crustaceans, and BAM! one of them blind-sided me like I wasn’t even there.  Make no mistake, Louie, the look in the eyes told me they wanted revenge”.  “Do you mean because of that prosecution case where you were a witness against one of their kind?”  “That’s the one”.

“Look, Benny, you should of hired me on that one.  I would have made you a lot of money for that injury, gotten some TV, maybe movie rights, and you’d have become famous”.  “Louie, I was doing my civic duty”.  “Benny, don’t be a schmuck.  Everyone is getting theirs nowadays.  If its through life experiences instead of make-believe fantasies, so be it.  All you had to do was come by the office or drop a line, and bada-bing, I’m on the case”.   “Louie, I don’t like your tactics.  Sorry, to say it, but you give me the creeps sometimes with your unnatural ability to come out on top of every single situation you’re involved in.  Take the case of the starfish up against the walrus.  You painted the walrus like he was jelly-filled, kind natured, used his tusks for non-profit charitable work digging up food stuff for the underprivileged, swam for the junior olympics, and did balancing tricks on land for entertainment of others.  You made him sound like that mythical sea mermaid good deed doer”.  “Yeah, I creamed the jury on that one”.  “Louie, the walrus was a pimp!  He stole from others, he gouged out huge chunks off dead sea carcasses, he abused the females for personal and monetary advantages, all 2,000 pounds of gigantic flesh rolling over sea lion babies.  How could you in good conscience defend him?”  “Benny, Benny, you know what that walrus was worth in ivory alone?  Don’t even mention the huge stretch of marine land he owned.  He paid me very well for getting him off.  I personally can’t go onto the land but I’m renting it out to some penguins through an Orca intermediary and I’m making a fortune!!!”  “Louie, he bit off the old grandpa’s startfish’s arm.  When it regenerated, he bit it off again.  He ate the entire colony of 5 starfish.  What kind of an mammal beast is he?”  “The best kind, Benny, wealthy”.  “Louie, when Neptune made this underwater world and he gave out powers to all the sea creatures, he didn’t intend for you or the Walruses of the seas to manipulate others.  You made that starfish out like he was some sort of cruel, underworld, heartless land developer”.  “Benny, those starfish are everywhere, different species.  They populate like rabbits”.  Benny looked incredulous at Louie.  “What’s a rabbit?”  “I dont’ know, but neither did the jury and that scared them.  I just did what only the absolute best good shark practioners do, just better.  I distracted the jury from the core issues elemental to the case and focused their minds on fear of the unknown.  Fear of the future for them personally.  You know how prejudiced the octopii are, and the lobsters?  Faughettaboudit.  What about the spiny fish? they hate everyone.  By the time I was finished it didn’t matter that the starfish weighs about 2 pounds.  In their eyes he was an epidemic spreading and colonizing the entire ocean floor.  The walrus was ecstatic”.

“Louie, you a true sharkhole, no doubt about it”.  “Aw, shucks Benny, you’re just saying that to make me feel good”.  Benny looked exasperated.  “Tell you what Benny, come by the office and we’ll go over some of the best stuff I’ve ever done.  You’ll appreciate me more after that.  Besides, I like showing off my stuff to others.  It gives them a good feeling to know they know somebody who’s a somebody.  Besides, it’ll take your mind off of wearing those stupid contact lenses.  It makes your eyes way too human.  It kinda scares me to tell you the truth”.

Justice and the squeaky wheel have something in common.  When both are greased well by insiders, tricksters, manipulators, and practioners of the art, you’ll never know what hit you, ran over you, or bit you off at the knees.  Beware and don’t look a gift shark in the mouth.

“Say, Louie, what’s with all these younger sharks swimming with you?”  “Benny, I’m going to the courthouse to file a lawsuit for some lobsters, and these young guns are following me around for some research they’re all doing on the life of a big-time shark practioner.  You know capturing the moments, understanding stuff like time management, dress-for-success, client consultations, things like that.  I’m famous”, Louie grinned wide showing off those awful ragged, razor-sharp 50 teeth or so.  “Well, I’ll be a carnivorous mammal.  You finally got what you wanted: publicity”.  “Yeah, and it isn’t costing me a penny.  It’s all courtesy of the shark school I went to in the Pacific.  I told you about that.  The school is trying to recruit a better class of student sharks.  I got a call from the dean’s office and he asked me to show these kids a thing or too about what underwater life is like through the fast currents.  So far, they’ve seen me attack a seal, a porpoise, some mackerel, I bit off a huge chunk of some decaying Orca, they really got a kick out of that.  Their cousins are the whales who are the ocean law judges, remember?  You should have seen them swarming around ready to copy my style.  It was a real hoot”.  “So, Louie, you’re showing them how to eat, eat, and eat.  Nothing about helping ocean life, like those sharks living by the reefs, the ones that the stimulus package isn’t going to be able to help.  That underwater government program isn’t going to bring back the reefs even though all the politicos are blathering on about how change is good and this program is thoughtfully designed to assist those in trouble.  What about teaching them something about giving back to the community?  What about something like that?”  “BENNY, what are you a Communist?  This isn’t some third-world ocean we live in.  Around here it’s take and take some more if you can stomach it.  Those sharks along those reefs should just move on like any good shark would”.  “What if they can’t because the area around them is totally filled with other greedy sharks like yourself who’ve bought up entire sections of ocean floor at a time?”  “Would you just listen to yourself?  You sound like a bleeding-heart lamprey.  Take some advice Benny.  Don’t try to understand my world, just hope that if you’re ever in trouble or have to file a lawsuit that I’ll be around to make it happen for you.  Or, anyone of my new younger friends might just be on the other end of that spectrum ready for a little cannabalism, you know what I mean?”  “Louie, I hear you talk like that and I’m convinced.  You know what they say, a tiger shark never loses his stripes”.   “Spare me, Benny, I’ve got enough going on I don’t need you passing judgment or stereotyping my kind”.  The younger sharks seemed to be suspended in motionless currents and were staring with those lifeless eyes at Benny and Louie.   Benny shuddered.  “Louie, don’t you think you’re getting way in too deep with these kids and their psychic?  They look hypnotized, or worse still, mesmerized by you”.  “Yeah, isn’t it great?  If I twitch my tail one way or the other they’re at you instantly.  I love the control.  I love the power.  Oh, gotta go, and by the way, when you see me with this pack just sort of keep your distance, OK?  I’ll swim over to you instead.  They’re young, sharp, have great killer instincts and they claim to smell blood even when there isn’t any around”.  “Louie, you full of it”.

Shakespeare declared that the world would be a better place without practioners.  The Eagles group even wrote some lyrics about doing away with all of them in one night.  In all truth, where would civilization be without the mediators, the scholars of good law, the translators of individuals’ good intentions, the saviors of the downtrodden, the fighters for the underdog…?  Wait a moment, I think the Crusades and Inquisition began with some same precepts, or was it organized religion?……

“I can’t believe what’s happening around here.  I grew up thinking that being a shark practioner meant something, that it was a status symbol.  It meant I was a special mammal better than anyone else”, lamented Louie.  Benny swam up.  “What’s the problem, my friend?”  “Oh, I’m up for review at the shark bar for some activities considered outside the scope of my practice.  Like I’m new at this or something”.  ”Louie, did you finally get caught screwing up?”  “No, not like that.  You know that old whale shark, the one that’s about 150 years old?”  “Yeah”.  “Well, one of her kind only younger asked me to handle some important matters for her”.  “So what happened, Louie?”  “As I was going over the deal I kept taking some small bites from some left overs she had.  Before you know it, I had consumed an entire fish, plus her extras, and I still had so much work to do.  I had to go ask for more compensation”.  “Louie, you took everything, and then some, and then asked for more?”  “Benny, you’ve got to see it my way.  What I quoted wasn’t large.  I made a mistake with that, it could happen to any shark practioner.  The complexities of the matter, the time and energy, my reputation, it all just sort of became a thing, you know?  This is why they call it practicing”.  “Louie, you lied to an old mammal.  In particular a 150 year old whale shark.  She’s retired to the warm waters, doesn’t feed much, doesn’t move around at all what with her arthitis in the fins, and her offspring bring her food.  You are a scoundrel of the first degree.  You feed off of other mammals’ miseries.  It is good that you’re up for review with the shark bar”.  “Benny, I thought you were my friend.  Remember when I saved you from that pack of bottle-nosed dolphins?  Or, the time I scraped that lamprey from your head?  You needed me then, but now you’re castigating me”.  “Louie, get over yourself.  You did those things and then asked me to pay you.  What was that about?  You claim our friendship is important but you never stop being a shark practioner of ocean law.  You constantly claim privilege over others because of it.  Now, you’ve done the ultimate.  You took advantage of a decrepit, old shark.  You should be ashamed”.  “Benny, if you only knew the stress I’m under constantly to feed well, feed my family.  I own a huge portion of the northeastern sector of the ocean, you know, near the old money sharks area.  I’ve got my club memberships.  Why, you couldn’t ascend to my lifestyle in a hundred years”.  “Louie, if I live that long, and I don’t want to.  You chose this life”.

Two weeks later Louie met up with Benny.  Louie seemed chipper.  “Say, Louie, how did it go?  Did you have to pay a fine, or do some community service or something?  Slap on the wrist so to speak?”  “Benny, you’re as dumb as you look.  Sure I was nervous but once I was behind closed doors everything worked out okay.  I have a clean record, no blemishes, and I only had to promise not to do it again.  What a profession, what a life!  I think I’ll go swimming by that whale group over there just to let them know Louie is back in the currents”.  “Louie, wait a minute nothing happened to you?”  “Listen up, we take care of our own, Benny.  Come to find out that there were a few members of my club on the shark bar panel and I casually reminded them of some things I’d heard around the club.  You know, personal stuff.  I got it easy after that.  See you later”.

Every now and again important issues come up in everyone’s life.  Exercising caution doesn’t mean timidity, it means caution.  Exercising discretion doesn’t mean you’re suppressing fear, it means you’ve matured to another level.  Remember this when you see a practioner doing something they shouldn’t.  Go up to them and ask:  could that be someone’s grandmother?

“The overwhelming majority of life is subject to this inevitable fact.  Our kind is destined to rule for another million years or so…”  Benny cracked up.  “Shhh, Benny, can’t you see Professor Squatini Formes is describing what my life will be like in the future?”  “Please, Louie, he’s a visiting professor from the Mediterranean sea.  His speech is heavily accented.  How do you know what  he’s saying, or that what he’s saying is even correct?  He’s obviously doing excellent with this crowd with his double-talk.  Is he in politics also?”    ”It’s not about what he’s saying, Bennym it’s that he’s saying it.  The more this type of pattern and institutionalization is played out in popular forums like this, the more the ocean population absolutely believes it.  It’s not about facts, it’s about what sea creatures can be made to believe.”  “Nope.  You just lost me”.  “Since when do you not understand the golden rule, huh?”  “Louie, nothing about us says golden.  We’re gray/blue with some white and the rest of our sandpaper skin is mottled with scars and gashes”.  “Benny, you’ve got no flair for the dramatic.  Try thinking of the other sharks once in a while”.  “You are chastizing me?  You?  The most gluttonous shark practioner I’ve ever met.  The shark who goes through about 1800 Da Vinci veneers per year so that what - you look good when you bite a 25lb. chunk off a victim?”  “Gosh Benny, cut me some slack.  I’ve done a lot of good and helped others through some difficult times”.  “Yeah, right.  When’s the last time you offered up some time for sharks who’ve suffered through underwater earthquakes, or the engaged yourself in the fight against victimless crimes, or helped out those sharks that unknowingly swallowed scientific probes or were tagged with a dart and followed for 2 to 3 years by those disgusting, foul tasting creatures above the surface?”  “Benny, what do you know about those creatures.  Did you bite one?”  Benny obviously didn’t feel like talking about it.  Louie egged him on.  “I was swimming in those warm currents, you know, and I thought I sensed a seal.  I didn’t smell it but my sonar picked up the movements, design imprint, and speed of it.  One thing lead to another and when I bite down the flesh had this rubbery feel to it.  It upset me so I let it go.  I came around and I bit it a second time less hard and the flesh ripped off like gift wrapping paper.  I swam away scared”.  “Why were you scared?”  “Because, there was no blood, nor bones, nor unusual movements of trying to get away.  The whole atmosphere surrounding this episode left me without a feeling of triumph.  I was hungry, for sure, but that taste felt like that taffy they sell at the underwater circus, you know?  So I left it alone”.   “Wow, I’ve never met a shark who did anything like that”.  “And you call yourself a shark with worldly instincts and experience”.  “Benny, when I was in shark school we role played about those creatures above the surface and the liaiblity to the rest of the shark community when any one of us ventures into those unchartered waters.  The whole group of us gets stereotyped and then we get hunted.  I’m too valuable a specimen, and too valuable as a shark practioner to take risks like those.  I encourage others to take those risks, then they come to me for help and I make a fortune”.  “You don’t know anything, Louie.”

There is no moral imperative when fullfillment influences overpower established fundamentals.  When immediate need is transferred like a painting onto a canvas the now visual existence propels the reactive impetus which drives action.  Before you consult with a shark practioner for advice on a subject, ask yourself if to bite or not to bite remains the question.

In a revealing decision today, the ocean’s supreme court declared that practicing sharks will no longer be allowed to receive compensation for advice to clients when its in the context of a non-lawsuit.  In other words, all advice dealing with day to day activities in the life of a shark constitutes pro bono work.  The national shark association immediately filed a lawsuit claiming the decision is interfering with their right to eat.  A spokeshark for the association stated, “because we dominate the food-chain within the vast stretches of the 7 oceans this means we are entitled to eat and live better than all others”.  There has been no reaction from consumer advocate schools yet.  “Now doesn’t that just beat all?” cried Louie.  “What’s going on” yawned Bennie as they both swam following a giant school of tuna.  “This, this!  Don’t you read?  You’re oblivious to my predicament.  I am a practicing shark and you act like this is nothing.”  “But, Louie, you said you have the best underwater life possible.  What are you so upset about?”  “Because, Benny, just because.  Listen up, I have what I have, and I want more, and I don’t want any conscientious, self-righteous jurist whales’ sitting panel telling me what to do.  Comprende?  I want to tell others what to do.  I want to control everything you do day in and day out.  It’s in my genes.  If I can use scare tactics I will.  If I can use the language of the ocean law to confound you I will.  If I can twist it to my purpose, I will.  My license to practice gives me privileges you could only dream of.”  Benny was thoughtful for a moment.  “You mean you like knowing that other sharks must come to you for eveything affecting their daily lives?  Is it because you’ve woven yourself into their natural social and emotional framework and instilled a requirement for immediate fulfillment that only you can satisfy?”  “YES.  It is a real adrenaline rush, Benny.  I play Mr. Majestic over every shark alive and I love it.  And remember, I’m a political candidate for this new district being created.  Once elected I will have powers beyond powers over you and everyone else!!!”  “You know what, I feel sorry for you.  You have a fantasy that is unrestricted and it’s kind of dangerous”.  Benny’s top fin drooped a little.  “Aw, come on Benny, you’re my shark friend.  Whatever happens, I’ll always remember the little sharks like you.  Isn’t it exciting for you to have a friend like me going places, getting publicity, earning some respect”.  “Respect?  How do you figure earning respect for passing ocean laws that benefit only practioners or their schools, and which serve to thoroughly complicate the lives of everyday sharks?  Are you going to prosecute those sharks that managed to squander 85% of the parasites we all need to bleed out poison from our system?  Those sharks cornered the market, passed to each other the best parasites, and overdulged everyone with eash pay-day ability.  The rest of us had more parasites than we could afford and some were bleed to death.  What about that?”  “Say, Benny, I’ll get you a job at my headquarters answering sonar waves.  How’s that?  It’ll keep you close to the big shots like me.  Whaddasay?”  “Louie, have I ever told you what a real sharkhole your are?”   “Benny, it’s a good thing I let your silly notions of true life wash over my sandpaper-like skin.  You’re just a schmuck trying to get by.  Me?  I’m into the real game”.   “So, a shark like me has got nothing going.  Is that it?”  “Wait a minute will you.  Hold up will you.  Hey, Benny, save me a piece of that tuna.  You can’t eat it all, gosh darn it.  I’m a practioner, you should of let me get the first bite”.

The moral of any legal decision to that curbs business and/or affects a livelihood is that the result is always pre-ordained.  There is no hidden agenda.  There is no possibility that someone got it wrong this time.  Life is give and take.  Those that give must give more.  Those that take must take more, for how else can lawmakers strike a balance between achieving a result and asking for sacrifices from non-lawmakers?  The next time you pay for a professional service, ask yourself the question:  am I truly enhancing the livelihood of this person, or am I just helping them make another Mercedes car payment?

As Benny was casually swimming the other day Louie frantically came up to him.  “Benny, you got any morsels or tidbits, anything?  I haven’t eaten in days”.  “Louie, calm down, you’re a shark practioner, for paradise’s sake, why not just go charge a client for something”.  “Benny, don’t pretend you haven’t noticed, I’m down to 600 pounds already.  The guys at my private club all weigh in at around 900 pounds or better.  They’re massive and the females are attracted to them.  I look like a swimming death.  Last night my girl Thelma and I went to the club.  You know all the big sharks belong to it.  Well, one thing lead to another and she ordered two dozen lobsters, no big deal.  Then she ordered 6 octopuses.  I was sweating that one but OK, no problem.  But, lo and behold you know what she did?  She ordered whale steak!”  “Louie, calm down”.  “I should calm down?  You know what whale steak means nowadays?  Of course, I had to get it for her because all of the other name sharks were looking at me like I really don’t belong there.  You know I didn’t attend the Ivy League Shark Institute in the Atlantic.  I finished at a lesser school in the Pacific but I had a high A.P.G. (Average Piercing and Gnawing) score.”  “Benny, did you hear me?  She ordered whale steak.”  “Say, Louie, aren’t those guys in the family of the  judges in the ocean?  The Orcas?”  “YES”.  “That’s awesome.  Good for her”.  “STOP IT, no it’s not, Benny.  I’ve swum with those groups, of course about a half-mile behind, but they’re magnificent, the ocean wash behind their tails is penetrating and fearsome.  You can feel the power vibrating over your skin”.  “Louie, Orcas schmorcas, they all look alike to me.  And, I’ve seen some with skin pigmentation though”.  “Yeah, well, they explain that away by postering that there has been an enormous intrusion of other species in their waters and this has diluted their blue-blood lineage and marine biological environment.  They don’t tolerate what doesn’t look like them or swim like them.  As far as shark practioners go, we all aspire to be accepted by them.”  Benny looked pitifully at Louie.  “Louie, you have many clients, why not go tap them for something”.  “Naw, I can’t do that, some haven’t had the best service from my practice and I had to charge one a fin, the other both antennae, the last one a whole tentacle.  I don’t have the best reputation right now”.  Benny truly felt sorry for Louie who was caught up in the world of swimmers, and haves and have nots.  Why would anyone deliberately put themselves through such personal turmoil day in and day out.  “Benny, I’m in a terrible rut.  My marriage is in name only.  There’s no romance.  I bit Thelma playfully on her pectorals fins and she just about chewed off my appendage.  It’s the same thing day after day, I just swim to stay alive”.   (Huh - ?)  “Why don’t you tell Thelma to crank it down some?”  “I can’t afford to lose face or teeth, Benny.  I have invested my entire life in becoming a shark practioner and I can’t get out of it now, who would want that?”  “Yes, you are correct, what’s another shark swimming in the ocean but just another shark swimming in the ocean.”  “I’m not like you, Benny.  I’m special and I’m sorry to even say it.  If my club members saw me talking to you right now, well, you know what with those blank stares, I couldn’t hack it.”  “You’re a real sharkhole, you know that?”  “Yeah, but I’m still better than you, I practice ocean law”.   Benny felt sorry for him.  “Louie, so what was it like, in shark school I mean”.   “Another time, Benny, I see Pennington White Dorsal swimming this way.  He’s club president.  I gotta scoot.  Do me a favor, please?   Act like I bit you and swim away kind of awkwardly like you’re afraid, OK?  Do it for me?”  “Louie, I don’t think I even know you anymore”.  “Just do it, do it NOW!!!

The next time you’re sitting at your favorite place, enjoying the scenery, the comraderie, the atmosphere, simply everything in abundance around you, remember this: there are those who walk the streets at night, in the alleys, through the darkest corners, some even venture out in bright sunlight.  They pretend to know what’s best but really don’t.  They get paid to practice what they don’t know on you and charge you an arm and a leg for it.  Be kind to them, show them some mercy, or step aside and let them move ahead of you.  They’re swimming the legal seas without a clue and they’re not having a whale of a time.

The other day two sharks, Benny and Louie, were swimming.  Benny saw something that looked edible and went for it.  Louie immediately called after him to remind him that he could get food poisoning, hurt himself while biting, hurt others while engaged in the act of biting or eating, and perhaps even wind up venturing into another shark’s personal space.  On the other hand, that thing to eat may belong to someone else, it may be a trick to hook Benny up to the surface, or it could be a plastic look-a-like that isn’t worth the trouble.  Benny asked, “what are you?  A lawyer?”  Louie smiled, swam straight to the morsel and ate it.   Benny was dumbfounded.  Louie said, “I can do it because I’ve calculated the risks and I know the law of the ocean.”  Benny said, “I slowed my swimming because I was listening to you, idiot.  I felt your thought provoking analysis of the situation demanded attention.”  Louie laughed even louder.  “You don’t understand.  I’m just a shark like you, not some super talented, brainiac know-it-all.”  Benny was completely puzzled.  Louie continued, “I know sharks and the tendencies of sharks, that’s why I know what to say, when to say it, how to paralyze your thought processes, and when to let it go.”  Benny looked upset, “so, you were playing me, right?”   “Naw, just playing the odds that because you know I went to the best shark school in the ocean you would listen to me”.   “So, I don’t have to listen to you?”  “Hey, Benny, if you don’t you’re screwed, if you do you pay.  Payment for my services was that morsel.”  “But that’s what I was going to eat!”  “I know.  See you later.  Call me if you have any more problems deciding what to eat”.   “Hey, Louie, kiss my big, fat dorsal, you stinking sharkhole”.

Remember this story the next time you’re at home, at the office, or at leisure at your local mall or cafe/bistro.  We live in a society of wants and desires stifled by numerous self-imposed fears and the threat of the unknown.  No one can tell you what to be, what to say, or to whom to say it, unless it’s something designed to deliberately solicit a provocation surely intended to result in physical harm.

Suppose you’re at the cafe.  You order.  You stand in line and someone cuts in as you get your double-frappachino on the skinny side.  It spills and you instruct the person to watch where they’re going.  They respond with  a quip about your Mom or a body part.  You get anxious because everyone’s looking at you and an uncivilized response will get you thrown out, and worse still, ostracized by the locals.  You switch gears and ask the person to order your item as a token apology.  They then tell you to take the order and shove it.  You put down your Ralph Lauren shoulder bag, or fake Prada time management tool, and look at them sternly.  Then they instruct you with a dare to do something about it.  You’re warmed up and very capable.  You exercise your last restraint and use discretion.  You know you can sweep up the place with them if you want to but you’ll just forget the whole thing if they’ll just apologize.  The person just stares at you and now THEY are totally upset, perhaps even angry.  You finally move away and you gather your things.  The person comes towards you.  STOP.  DANGER, DANGER.  You could calmly grab your iPhone to dial 911 and report an incident.  You have every right to believe the potential danger confronting you is real.  In many jurisdictions, the simple movement towards you in a threatening manner after some provocation is sufficient and the call to 911 justified.  The case will never get to court, and the person more than likely could be taken into custody and later released.  That’s a ride in a squad car, in handcuffs no less, that no one can prevent and no one ever forgets.

On the other hand, the person’s daddy or mommy might be a big time, hot-shot lawyer ready for action and no one accuses their darling “precious” of anything, least of all a threatening jesture.  For the price of large or venti cup of Java, you just got manhandled into paying your own lawyer thousands in fees to defend you so that you can feel good about your response at the local bistro.  Feel better now?  Wake up and smell the coffee burning, will you!!!  What if an elderly lady watching all of this got a heart attack in fear of the potential melee coming towards her?  You’ll get sued. Absurd you say?  Not hardly.  What if a young couple with a baby on a stroller walked in just as the coffee was spilled and you reacted?  You accidentally and only slightly touched the carriage’s wheels as you turned around and the baby began to cry.  This could harm the baby’s self-esteem for life.  You are going to get sued.

You thought going to the cafe to get some morning juice was just a normal everyday activity.  Well, good luck with your dreamworld fantasy that only “bad people” get into scuffles with the law.  The next time you’re at the Mall, just stand in one corner and say and do nothing.  It’ll get you stares, but you’ll not get sued.  Well, unless of course you’re standing in front of an advertising and the proprietor sues you for interfering with their right to conduct business and loss of revenue.

Say, I could use a cup of Jo’ right now.  Where are my car keys?