Feb 23 2009
My Kingdom For A Shark
“Benny, since when do you use contact lenses?” asked Louie. “I started back about a couple of months ago after I was attacked by those barracudas. Do you remember the incident?” “Yeah, sure, sure”. “I can’t believe the nerve of those fish coming after me. I was with my family, we’ve just finished a cruise down by the coral reefs, had a light lunch of crustaceans, and BAM! one of them blind-sided me like I wasn’t even there. Make no mistake, Louie, the look in the eyes told me they wanted revenge”. “Do you mean because of that prosecution case where you were a witness against one of their kind?” “That’s the one”.
“Look, Benny, you should of hired me on that one. I would have made you a lot of money for that injury, gotten some TV, maybe movie rights, and you’d have become famous”. “Louie, I was doing my civic duty”. “Benny, don’t be a schmuck. Everyone is getting theirs nowadays. If its through life experiences instead of make-believe fantasies, so be it. All you had to do was come by the office or drop a line, and bada-bing, I’m on the case”. “Louie, I don’t like your tactics. Sorry, to say it, but you give me the creeps sometimes with your unnatural ability to come out on top of every single situation you’re involved in. Take the case of the starfish up against the walrus. You painted the walrus like he was jelly-filled, kind natured, used his tusks for non-profit charitable work digging up food stuff for the underprivileged, swam for the junior olympics, and did balancing tricks on land for entertainment of others. You made him sound like that mythical sea mermaid good deed doer”. “Yeah, I creamed the jury on that one”. “Louie, the walrus was a pimp! He stole from others, he gouged out huge chunks off dead sea carcasses, he abused the females for personal and monetary advantages, all 2,000 pounds of gigantic flesh rolling over sea lion babies. How could you in good conscience defend him?” “Benny, Benny, you know what that walrus was worth in ivory alone? Don’t even mention the huge stretch of marine land he owned. He paid me very well for getting him off. I personally can’t go onto the land but I’m renting it out to some penguins through an Orca intermediary and I’m making a fortune!!!” “Louie, he bit off the old grandpa’s startfish’s arm. When it regenerated, he bit it off again. He ate the entire colony of 5 starfish. What kind of an mammal beast is he?” “The best kind, Benny, wealthy”. “Louie, when Neptune made this underwater world and he gave out powers to all the sea creatures, he didn’t intend for you or the Walruses of the seas to manipulate others. You made that starfish out like he was some sort of cruel, underworld, heartless land developer”. “Benny, those starfish are everywhere, different species. They populate like rabbits”. Benny looked incredulous at Louie. “What’s a rabbit?” “I dont’ know, but neither did the jury and that scared them. I just did what only the absolute best good shark practioners do, just better. I distracted the jury from the core issues elemental to the case and focused their minds on fear of the unknown. Fear of the future for them personally. You know how prejudiced the octopii are, and the lobsters? Faughettaboudit. What about the spiny fish? they hate everyone. By the time I was finished it didn’t matter that the starfish weighs about 2 pounds. In their eyes he was an epidemic spreading and colonizing the entire ocean floor. The walrus was ecstatic”.
“Louie, you a true sharkhole, no doubt about it”. “Aw, shucks Benny, you’re just saying that to make me feel good”. Benny looked exasperated. “Tell you what Benny, come by the office and we’ll go over some of the best stuff I’ve ever done. You’ll appreciate me more after that. Besides, I like showing off my stuff to others. It gives them a good feeling to know they know somebody who’s a somebody. Besides, it’ll take your mind off of wearing those stupid contact lenses. It makes your eyes way too human. It kinda scares me to tell you the truth”.
Justice and the squeaky wheel have something in common. When both are greased well by insiders, tricksters, manipulators, and practioners of the art, you’ll never know what hit you, ran over you, or bit you off at the knees. Beware and don’t look a gift shark in the mouth.
