Feb 25 2009
A Shark By Any Other Name
“Hey, Louie, what’s with the fake mustache and beard?” “I’m trying out this new hypothesis that shark practioners can successfully lead double lives”. “Huh?” “Yeah, you know, a real lion in the oceanic courtrooms, but a sweetheart outside those four walls”. “You think wearing a mustache and beard makes you look like a sweetheart, is that it?” “Well, all the big name stars are doing. Take Dolfino Phoenix, or Crustaceous Crowe, or Barracuda Pitt, and remember Stingray Depp? Totally cool, those creatures. They are loved by their fans”. “Louie, you don’t have fans, you have customers from whom you bite off your compensation. That doesn’t make for friendly publicity for your type”. “My type? Hey, Benny, I’m a shark and a darn good shark practioner at that. I live for the hunt and make my kills whenever and wherever I like”. “So, why are you so adamant about the personality shift when you’re outside the ocean courtrooms? What’s so important to you?” “Look, if you must know I kind of had a bad experience last month. I came out of a case with a big settlement. I was even smelling blood where there wasn’t any. I accidentally bit off this huge chunk from a manta ray. You know that group, they have this advocacy thing about ‘dwindling species’ and that kind of baloney. I was just overexuberant for having won my case and I acted out of impulse. Well, this advocacy group just raked me over the shoals. They demanded my sandpaper hide, all sorts of concessions were outlined, man, it seems a shark practioner can’t get a break nowadays”. “Louie, you bit an innocent by-swimmer? The manta ray was just gliding past and you wheeled off and bit a chunk off of it? Why would you give in to such an impulse particularly after having just royally feasted on your opponent?” “Benny, you’ve got to understand. I’m a shark practioner with privileges that you only dream of my friend. I can come and go as I please, swim for thousands of miles, and not one sea creature gets in my way. It’s the power that inebriates me and that’s what happened that day. Besides, I explained that to the commission and the shark bar and they understood. As a matter of fact, get this, they fined the manta ray for swimming in private waters!” “You look very stupid in that disguise. Try to save what little dignity you might have and remove it. You’ll like yourself better”. “Who cares about liking themselves? I’m now using this to pick up females. They love the profile, you know, ‘bad shark with-a-tender-heart-trying-to-fit-in’ but can’t because no one understands them”. “So you playing everyone, is that it?” “It’s a hoot. Talk to you later”. “Louie, you’re still the biggest sharkhole in the ocean!!!”
The next time you see someone with a mustache and beard and start to judge them, don’t judge so harshly. It could be your friendly neighborhood shark practioner trying to fit in with society.
